Search This Blog

Friday, October 29, 2010

Hello My Name Is... Awkward

Hiya Blogfans.

Last week's post was very, well, writer oriented. Which is cool- don't get me wrong- but not exactly fascinating otherwise. This post is about hate and love- can you get much more personal than that?

This week has been consumed with editing. I'm up to 120 revisions now and, frankly, I'm starting to hate the book. Like *burn it with fire* hate. The words sound trite, the plot seems thin (I mean the murderer is so flipping obvious when you've read the book umpteen times!) the characters seem annoying... Normally I would put the book down and walk away for a while because none of those things are true- sorry Catherine- but I need to have this revision done by tomorrow. I'm sending the printed version to a friend and, oh yeah, the MWA contest.

So I've been wicked, wicked (Katie added that second wicked lol) grumpy.

I got great news from the doctor- I won't have to have more surgery and I'm not sick (well, you know, physically)  whohoo!

I've also experienced rejection from a former favorite cousin.So that's a tad sad but she's really not worth worrying about. Except, of course, I do worry because it's an aftereffect of an old problem that still concerns me. Plus I like to deserve being hated and, in this instance, I do not.

It did bring back some bad stuff though- I remembered that hate is a feeling that others apply to people. Namely, in this case, me. {I'm going to sound all wimpy here but hey I am strong enough to admit to some wussiness}  I cut hate out of my life a while ago (sorry family) because it's one of those things that consumes one's soul. It also gives power to the one you hate. I feel disdain, extreme dislike and overwhelming annoyance but I think I'm pretty much hate free (well, when it comes to people. I really hate KMS right now but that's different) My family however keeps the spite torch burning (seeing what it's done to them actually is what made me rethink the hate thing.)

You all may not know this but, to half of my family, I am evil on the scale of Voldemort. I know, I know. How could anyone hate someone who has as much subtlety, and dare I say humility, as your humble servant- S.H.?

I have a tendency to be a tad flamboyant IRL and tend to say things that seem appropriate and, to me anyway, humorous at the time but turn out to be (apparently) unforgivable. Let's face it. The world, to this writer, is just another story and I often forget that other people aren't really in the same book as I. It causes strife and confusion. My story is, for the most part, a comedy but sometimes I'm the only one laughing. NSSH tends to keep me in check (since his story is mostly a technical manual). It's when I fly solo that I really get into trouble.

And boyoboy did I get myself into trouble a couple of years ago. I cooked the hell out of my own goose- and how! It was not my finest moment.

A core coven of my vulture-like female relatives are still feeding off this time of weakness instead of taking responsibility for their inadequacies (this was all over my frigging grandmother's deathbed- can you believe it? And most of the bad stuff I supposedly did happened when I was sitting with the poor lady and they were hiding from her. They created this whole drama out of nothing and then poked me and I- quite predictably because I am a spaz- reacted. They took the truth of my reaction and build a tower of lies around it. By now I probably eat small children and steal husbands or the other way around) they shifted the burden onto me.

Until they need me (because I am very helpful in a crisis- no, really, I am which was most of the problem in this instance.) then they use me and hate me more. I know, right?

So, my lesson for this week Adam and Katie (and people in the woodwork) 

* People will always forgive you for being actually, really, bad or falling on hard times but they will never get over you being competent and compassionate in a crisis. If you are also happy and successful you're doomed.  At least that's how it works in my former family. They are really and truly lonely, sad people. I had hoped for more from this one cousin but she went over to the dark side (or the light depending on your viewpoint.) it's all so sordid. So, basically, dripping with pathos. My bread and butter. It's hard to be a writer- don't ever think otherwise.

If understanding motivation wasn't important I could just let this go but it's like a sore tooth. I have to keep poking at it until it makes sense to me. After all this time it doesn't make sense- not really. 

So what? I was obnoxious. I hadn't slept for 36 hours and it was a stressful time. I find it difficult to believe that anything a person does (and I didn't do anything bad except tell the truth and I did say one really obnoxious thing -&%$# you and your posse- which is stupid and hardly something a normal person would start a vendetta over) under such awful circumstances could count against them so strongly.

Honestly though I know what the problem is and I'm embarrassed to admit it because it is very immodest.  And, haha, I'm not going to. The answer is so simple and petty. And sad; really, really sad.

Until next week my friends and, maybe, mortal enemies. Life is balance. Maybe, somewhere, people love me just as much as my hideous family hates me for as little reason. Now that is a good thought. And, may I add, I love you back because love (like hate) doesn't really need a reason.

Your Subtle Servant,


  1. Always a really interesting and frequently amusing read. You managed to keep the tone light despite talking about awful personal stuff. Sorry to hear your family are so hateful. I liked the idea of NSSH's life being like a technical manual. I think mine is like instructions to an IKEA flat-pack in a language nobody understands. I've no idea how, it's just the only thing I could think of. Oh, I have a suggestion: maybe you could include a small glossary of terms and abbreviations for newcomers and the perpetually confused.


  2. Yay! Adam commented ^_^ yay,comments!

  3. Adam,

    It is lovely to hear from you- thank you for commenting.

    I agree that a glossary is necessary and am slightly embarrassed to admit that it never even crossed my mind to add one until you brought it up. A glossary is forthcoming (lol I could use it myself since I am always forgetting who is who.)

    Once again- thank your for your loyal readership and your comments. They keep my subtle heart striving for more and better posts.